21 May 2016

{Not} High {Enough} Maintenance

I had the pleasure of spending the afternoon at a dear friend's baby shower and the word Gorilla was mentioned creating quite the conversation.

Living on the Sunshine Coast and being surrounded by quite the room of free-spirited Noosa folk you may expect that the conversation had led to the topic of Australia Zoo or palm oil but you'd be far from right.

In fact it was the word a friend used to describe her pubes prior to multiple rounds of laser treatment in response to asking if, at the start of treatment if her nether-hair was sparse.

So naturally, we started talking about the not-so-natural removal of hair-down-there.

I used to see a gorgeous Italian mama and her daughter for all of my waxing back in my Toowoomba days who stressed the importance of maintaining a hair-free baby exit route not only for hygiene but also out of respect for the doctors and midwives who most certainly would not want to see your short and curly's. So in taking their advice I travelled the nearly three hours back to my hometown three weeks or so before Ned was born to make myself presentable. It was the least painful Brazilian I had ever had but to date, it has also been my last. Nothing like ending on a high {or is that low?} I say.

You see, my sister had told me of a Braz experience here on the coast where they basically told her to lift her skirt up, take her undies off, and before you could say rip, rip, wood chip they were done. After having such nurturing and careful waxes in the past {still effing painful as hell} I have not been able to trust anyone here to go anywhere near my vagina with hot wax.

So for the last three years, it's been very infrequent and varied maintenance for me - kind of like my house cleaning regime.

  1. The DIY Wax Job where the application is way easier than the reality of having to rip it off yourself.
    Several alternative wax removal methods not recommended on the box have been attempted, including, but not limited to:
    • drowning waxed area with quantity of water equivalent to Sydney Harbour to see if wax magically falls or melts off
    • leaving wax on in the hope that the wax and your undies will form an unbelievable relationship and subsequent breakup in your sleep and like magic, you'll be hair free in the morning 
  2. The 'Honey, Can You Bring me the Scissors' Job where your disposable razor just ain't gonna cut it {literally} ... Note to self: buy pube-trimming scissors for such occasions.
  3. The Nutbush City Limits Job where the only maintenance required is to ensure that nothing is hanging outside of your undies or swimmers - this doesn't even necessarily have to mean hair removal just hair placement. 
My pregnancy maintenance has been pretty much non-existent till yesterday when I started to think about the multiple medical professionals that will be present at the birth of the twins. Hubby was at work so I didn't have easy access to the aforementioned pube scissors so my only option was to use the stainless steel shower mixer as a pseudo mirror to assess the situation and begin stage one demolition.

Perhaps I should have sought a chainsaw manufacturer to sponsor this post? 

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